On Parenting

My parenting philosophy is based on a couple of key principles:

1. Kids learn best on their own, through repetition and peer pressure. This means go through their homework and make sure they are getting enough chances to get better in stuff that they will need to know (science, technology, engineering, math, reading, writing, and communicating). When it comes to repetition - sports, drawing, whatever - push 'em towards stuff they will do anyways. That way, you don't really have to force them to draw or shoot baskets or play music. They'll choose to do it naturally. Finally, help them choose friends that will push them to do the above two more. Make sure the friends and friend's parents share similar values and only intervene in the case of real trouble (dangerous situations, bad decision making, or bullying).

2. Kids need to know that they are listened to and safe. I am not great at the first part, but I do try. Its amazing to me how much happier my kids are if I simply listen to what they are saying. Sometimes, there are ideas are questionable or illogical - but just listening is a good start. Making a safe environment means creating some boundaries - doors closed so baby doesn't go rolling down the stairs - but also about making sure that kid's know its okay to fail. I don't like that my son wets the bed - but I don't care about the wetting part. It drives me crazy when he lies about it and my house stinks because he lied. We have rules about language, health, eating and lying. If my kids wanted to play outside (doing almost anything), I am generally okay with it. I prefer it when they do it without me because I find that they want me to create games and rules for them - but when left to their own devices, they do better than I could, any way.

3. Create opportunities for discovery. I like to educate my kids through opportunities - museums, the zoo, whatever. We hike some and feed ducks and go all over the city. When you do this, things can happen. For example, the other day at mass, my 3yr old inexplicably went up to the choir loft without us. We eventually found her - but it freaked us out. We told her not to go there without mom or dad (less because of a fear of people and more because she is likely to jump out of the loft to see how that works). This would not happen if we always went to MOQ - but she wouldn't learn to stay close to us in crowds either. This is a better teaching moment than at a basketball game or somewhere less enclosed. Still freaks me out as a parent - though.

4. Have expectations and build community skills. We expect our kids to clean their rooms, thrown their dirty clothes into the hamper, do their homework, etc. It is not the parent's job to do this. We often fill the gaps - but they are incentivized and habitualized around doing community based things - cleaning, cooking, sharing, communicating, playing together, etc. This teaches life skills and is necessary in a big family.

Finally and this isn't really a parenting philosophy. But we wanted to have a big family and that creates strange balancing issues. My wife would like our house to be cleaner and less cluttered - but we have too many little hands to be really successful. Spending less money and more time is a necessity and has been before the Great Recession and will be whenever its over. We can't afford to go to movies together (a trip to AMC would cost us about $40 on the low side). We have family dinners and Clone Wars Friday nights.

In addition, we had our kids close together. That was not "planned" but also not "accidental". James, Aidan and Denny are real buddies. And all of the kids know how to play with kids older and younger than themselves. They are all being brought up to be helpers not just with us but with each other. The 3 boys sleep in the same room. We have an extra room - but think that it is too important for them to be together to let one of them miss out on having a roommate.

Now in response to the article directly, I worry a bit about our culture that we want to control kids - but not ourselves. What I mean is that I know many parents that set bad examples for their kids but then don't see how and where their kids learned certain behaviors. Specifically for me, I become too easily frustrated with my children, don't listen well enough, and overcoach. Some things that I think that I am pretty good at - teaching relevance, being open to new things, honest evaluation of my kid's place and expertise. The only really exception thing that any of my kids do right now is James is a tremendous artist - relative to his peers and to his parents. Everyone else is probably smarter than average - but nothing that is truly exceptional - although Claire can really eat peaches.

Most of my friends are not the over-protective parent type. However, many want small families because of the cost of college or because of the logistics. Amen to that. Many want small families because they did get married later or because they simply didn't feel financially secure. Good for them. My wife and I have elected a different course and think it is the right one. That means we simply can't be as protective as many "helicopter" parents are. So, in some ways, its hard to relate. I think it is much easier to fall into the "helicopter" parent trap if you have 2 or fewer kids - particularly if you are paying for daycare, tuition, lessons, etc. None of these are bad things, but the financial cost creates sometimes too much engagement.

However, there are also some parents that want their kids to be experts in everything by the time they are 10. I think gifted kids need outlets for their exceptionalness that reinforces these things (see Gladwell's rule of 10,000 hours), but I don't think that my kids are ready to pick whatever this is at any of their current ages. Eight is simply too young to be ready to commit to a life time of work in some space.

There are also parents that "schedule" their kids play time. It drives me crazy that my kids can't just walk out into the front yard and find friends - we have to schedule play time. This is partly because there are just fewer kids around our neighborhood, but its also a philosophy of the neighborhood. I don't see as many kids on bikes or shooting baskets in the front yard. I wish that I did. I don't know if this is parents or demographics.

I can tell you that Omaha seems to be populated with far more parents like me than other places that we have lived or spent significant amounts of time. In fact, at some level, it is probably one of the reasons that we live here.

That's a lot of thoughts and maybe not enough depth.