On poop

My wife claims that people don't want to hear about other people's kid's poop stories. I disagree.

In defense of my wife, she has premised a corollary - people with kids are more willing to listen to other people's stories if they are allowed to tell their own kid's poop stories. I still disagree.

Generally, I have found as a parent that telling stories of the times that my kids have done awful, ridiculous or otherwise bad things are actually the stories that most people appear to engage in most fully. Specifically, people don't want to hear about how delightful your children were at church. They want to hear the story about how Martha got lost and ran down the middle aisle shouting for her parents. Or the time that the priest actually asked you to leave. These are the stories upon which universal laughs are built.

Thus, poop. While everyone poops, the art of telling a really funny story is knowing that its a little bit off. The reason that jokes work is that people don't necessarily see the punchline coming - but they know its going to be funny. Poop stories are the same way. When poop is involved, you know it has to be seriously ridiculous to deserve a mention. Nobody tells the following story and expects to get a laugh.

My one month old pooped yesterday. It was yellow, slimy and disgusting.

Instead...tell the story like this:

As new parents, Cheryl and I could not actually tell the other person to do anything by themselves. Cheryl and Tom did the baby's laundry together. Cheryl and Tom breastfed together. Cheryl and Tom changed diapers together. Thus, when James was about one month old, Cheryl and Tom were changing James' diaper. While we were newbies at the whole parenting thing, James had managed to live a month under our parentage, and thus, we figured that we were prepared for just about anything. We were wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. So as luck would have it (and never has a truer phrase been written) Tom drew the short straw and was the one actually executing the diaper change. So, I was to the side of James and Cheryl was talking to me at the end of our changing table. Thus, Cheryl and I could make newly minted parent eye contact and discuss such compelling topics as which type of baby rash ointment we should use on this diaper change. cute, I know.

So, as I was changing James, he grunted quietly and then his sphincter contracted slightly. After that, its unclear exactly what transpired. What I can say is that I had a good seat and still could not clearly describe the indescribable. Basically, James unleashed a 50 kiloton mustard bomb on his mother - hitting her squarely in the midsection. This mustard bomb was new baby poop - yellow, slimy and disgusting. It was seedy, and it was all over Cheryl's shirt (or as luck would have it my shirt since she was actually wearing one of my shirts that day).

We both stood horrified in shock for approximately 10 seconds. And then we both took big, gasping breaths as if we had just seen the unthinkable (which we had). I am not sure that either of us spoke. All I can remember is the desire to get that seedy scene and particularly the vinegary smell out of my brain - but alas, it has not happened yet. Today we refer to this as the mustard bomb incident and it will live in infamy in this house.

To this day, we have never had a child repeat this explosion with the velocity and targeting of James. We have learned our lesson. We change diapers in a prepared state with a clean diaper underneath the soiled diaper, ready to be moved into the appropriate position if that sphincter so much as twitches funny.

Now, that's a poop story that even non-parents can appreciate. Same story, better build up and explosive climax. So, as a non-parent or parent, how do you feel regarding other people's kids poops? Never? Only when its well-told? Always up for a good pooper story? Please comment and let me know what you think.

Nice Weekend

Over the weekend, one tradition died. The Chapman's prime did not draw secret santas. Instead, the Chapman derivative 3631 did. This was a passing of the torch of kinds. But, I am still sad. That being said, while I can buy gifts for my siblings, honestly, they probably all (except Mary) have more disposable income than I do - so I am not sure what interesting gifts I could give anyways.

I am unsure how to handle the parenting thing with my kids regarding secret santas. James bought a hideous gift for his sister, Martha, and more importantly, I paid $15 for a bad gift. Good or bad? Not sure. Not sure it matters either.

So, I drew one of my daughters and not one of my siblings. While I am sad, I am also incredibly excited about having a new family tradition. I like seeing how my kid's brains work. In his quest for a gift, James let the excitement of the situation take over his reason. He knew the gift that he was buying for Martha was not the one that he wanted to get for her, but he seemed unable to separate the desire for giving a really good gift for buying something right now. I don't think that this a cultural problem. I think that this is probably more of an age issue and an inability to build patience. James, in particular, struggles with patience under buying pressure. His brother, Aidan, who is two years younger, is already a better, more patient shopper.

Surprisingly, we had a tremendous weekend. The boys played Civilization for a good portion of the weekend and the girls followed the adults around. I say surprisingly because almost every long weekend of this type leads to really bad behavior by about day three. Instead, the kids were actively helping on day four in the afternoon. Whatever we did this weekend really worked because all of the children were terrific.

Needed Some Encouragement

Well, I'll try to blog more often based on my little sister's encouragement.

Here are some key things that you should know since July:

1. My wife, Cheryl, had a baby. Her name is Evelyn Gloria Chapman, and she is our sixth child.

2. We have a new in-home au pair from Brazil. Her name is Elis.

3. Mary left for Antarctica.

4. Spurs qualified for the knock-out stage of the Champions League

5. The Royals continue to suck.

6. I won my first soccer game as a coach. We were 2-5, which is not horrible when your previous record is 0-14. So, my collective coaching record for my children in soccer is 2-19. I should be fired.

7. Harry Potter 7.1 came out. It is possibly the best movie of the bunch - both in terms of sticking to the books and being generally fun to watch.

8. I am starting a professional blog so that I can write stuff here that has nothing to do with work.

So, here we go again.